Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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