dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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