you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
