i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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