Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Randomize
