WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
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