i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
