She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
