Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
i need some magic done to my vagina
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
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