HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
