i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
