I like my sex mixed with concussions.
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
