She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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