Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
