Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
