Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
