I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
