piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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