walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I'm having to shit out rocks
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize