as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
