There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
