she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
You made out with two different species that night
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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