Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Randomize
