LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Randomize
