girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
