Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
