i jhust puked up my retainher.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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