I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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