Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
