I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
