I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
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