Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
