She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
