When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Randomize
