ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
