i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize