WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
