I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
You need a sexual gate keeper
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Randomize
