I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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