Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
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