This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize