i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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