Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
