I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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