Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
