the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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