Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
