Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
