why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize