you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
then he tried to convert me to islam
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
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