My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Randomize
