I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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