I'm lost and stupid without you.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize
