Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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