i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Randomize
