I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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