Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
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