My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
