Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
