you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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